Smoke Trees

Contrary to claims, the honourable Dr. Dre owns neither skis, a snowmobile, a boat, keys, wheels or g's nor does he own deals. He does, however, possess a small amount of cheese.

Sin god we trust

The Vatican has recently announced after keeping it a secret since time began that there is in fact 8 deadly sins, the eighth that has been kept hidden for so long is in fact "Farting on someone elses soup"

Evolution jumps

In Australia the Western Grey Kangaroos (Macropus fuliginosus) have become so dependant on Human sustenance that they will die of death if they do not consume 4 times there own body weight of Tizer on a daily basis every day. Studies show that the Breed Red Kangaroo (Macropus rufus) are likely a result of Tizer forced evolution.

Great balls of fire

It is legal for baseball organisations to use a bassoon as a substitute ball in the case whereby there is a specific lack of, or missing equipment.

Golden Oldies

The illegal practice of trading old men that occurs in most northern counties in the UK is worth an esimated £7 billion a year, thats equivalent to 71,345,432,234 custard creams.

Them's fighting words

The first recorded use of the word 'bastard' was in 1763. Inventor of the spoon, Dr Henry Wagwan, was quoted to have said 'bastard!' during a particularly rigurous wife-beating session.

Kicking the habit

It is legal for a 73 year old man to participate in the willing substence abuse of cocaine. The only requirements are that the activity is partaken inside a washing machine.

Key to success

It takes 26 piano keys to create one bag of wine gums. Of these 26 keys, 3 are wasted due to inefficient production techniques.

Damaging statistics

Over 308% of accidents in the home are caused by head cancer.

Unemo

The common squirrel is incapable of feeling emotion. Further scientific probings into this startling discovery have uncovered that the animal is also incapable of understanding the warm glowing smile of a small child.