Invisibility cloak

Many know of inventor Arthur Donglesniff for his contributions to the design of China's Space Station Xen in the late 50s, but very few know he is also to credit for developing the world's first invisibility cloak for the homeless, a selfless investment that has gone unrecognised for centuries.

Nob end

Hobnobs cannot be recycled and over 50 tonnes of biscuit have to be landfilled every 3 hours. The country with the highest ratio of person-to-hobnob is Cornwall.

Take a seat

The closest living relative to the common moth is the chairleg. Their clever 'camouflage' system was designed by Wagner Melari, who was also responsible for the distinct markings on Tiger Tanks during World War 2.

Keep it brief

Recently published statistics show that when you are not wearing underwear you are 34% more likely to go back in time.

Pardon?

It's a little known fact that the first earhole did not appear until 1856.

Staple diet

The harvest mouse shares the same number of chromosomes as the stapler

Smoke Trees

Contrary to claims, the honourable Dr. Dre owns neither skis, a snowmobile, a boat, keys, wheels or g's nor does he own deals. He does, however, possess a small amount of cheese.

Sin god we trust

The Vatican has recently announced after keeping it a secret since time began that there is in fact 8 deadly sins, the eighth that has been kept hidden for so long is in fact "Farting on someone elses soup"

Evolution jumps

In Australia the Western Grey Kangaroos (Macropus fuliginosus) have become so dependant on Human sustenance that they will die of death if they do not consume 4 times there own body weight of Tizer on a daily basis every day. Studies show that the Breed Red Kangaroo (Macropus rufus) are likely a result of Tizer forced evolution.

Great balls of fire

It is legal for baseball organisations to use a bassoon as a substitute ball in the case whereby there is a specific lack of, or missing equipment.

Golden Oldies

The illegal practice of trading old men that occurs in most northern counties in the UK is worth an esimated £7 billion a year, thats equivalent to 71,345,432,234 custard creams.

Them's fighting words

The first recorded use of the word 'bastard' was in 1763. Inventor of the spoon, Dr Henry Wagwan, was quoted to have said 'bastard!' during a particularly rigurous wife-beating session.

Kicking the habit

It is legal for a 73 year old man to participate in the willing substence abuse of cocaine. The only requirements are that the activity is partaken inside a washing machine.

Key to success

It takes 26 piano keys to create one bag of wine gums. Of these 26 keys, 3 are wasted due to inefficient production techniques.

Damaging statistics

Over 308% of accidents in the home are caused by head cancer.

Unemo

The common squirrel is incapable of feeling emotion. Further scientific probings into this startling discovery have uncovered that the animal is also incapable of understanding the warm glowing smile of a small child.

Condensed time

It took 43 years and 127 billion canadian dollars to develop the technology required to create wrist watches. The Vatican, a gigantic helium collider, is used to shrink the components of grandfather clocks down to a size that is usable with the every day watch.

Little man

Christopher Walken was original cast as the presenter for the popular british brain-teaser - 'Countdown'. However, due to scheduling conflicts preventing him from committing to a full season, he was dropped in favour if the late Richard Whitely. There are currently plans to launch a new season with a new look and a holographic Whitely at the helm.

Landmine ahoy

It takes 43 chicken nuggets to build a single landmine used by the US military. Thanks to advances in preservative-technology this landmine can have a best-by date of up to three weeks.

Upside down

The handstand was discovered in 1258 by Arthur Handstand. The British government first tried to silence his discovery and worried its unveiling would cause mass panic.

Dead or Alive, you're coming with me

It's a little known fact that the 1980s movie 'Robocop' is based on a true story. Names were changed to protect the identities of parties involved.

To the Left

In the late 18th century it was common practice to shoot a left handed baby upon birth. This was later outlawed when it was discovered that left handed people make good gardeners

Polski Weslie

The Polish Wheelie was invented by Professor Nigel Bafta in 1982 for a short pornographic movie 'Midgets in Hoodies'. The move was made famous by Princess Diana in the early 90s and has become an iconic position featuring [it's own] chapter in the 2009 update of 'The book of Love'

The more the merrier

A group of 20 or more Welsh women is known as an "Quinsumoctidappaflogammibeaverinspectoroid"

Post-natal depression

In the state of Montana when a pregnant woman gives birth to her child in a hospital the only legal way to transport the child back to its new home is by posting it in a mail box.

Look up

Contrary to popular consensus, it's actually cats that cannot look up. Dogs have been able to look up since the early 70s.

Bad memory

The Elephant is the only safari animal that will go mental if you tug on its cock. Other animals, such as the cheetah, have been observed to speak french when sexually stimulated.

Seeds of doubt

Like sharks, Sperm cannot swim backwards. However - unlike sharks, sperm naturally produces a 'John Williams Suspenseful Cue' when attacking its prey.

Instrument of Death

The only sucessful way ever documented to kill a Moose is to hit it extremely hard in the solar plexus with a trumpet, this causes its guts to explode out its face, otherwise they are immortal.

Caught in a trap

Bobby Davro was originally set to tour with Elvis but had to cancel the arrangement when the pair fell out over which was best - Daddy or Chips.

Distance matters

The distance between a mans scrotum and his anus is equal to one 40th the distance between his favourite album and wrist (while held). This distance is measured in yanks.

Food for thought

Through a complex manufacturing process, the 'it' is removed from gravity to form gravy. This can be used to add a much needed flavour to ones favourite meat such as Kellogs Corn Flakes.

Lab rats

Scientific research has shown that lab rats respond to the word 'minge'. Upon hearing the word, it has been documented that responses range from simple sneezing, to rhetoric conversations on policies in the middle east.

Moaning Lisa

Recent scientific investigations using carbon dating into the Mona Lisa, Leonardo da Vinci's portrait painting, have revealed that her mouth was originally a vagina. Public outcry forced the artist to paint over the face with the now-famous 'frownsmile'.

Here in my Kar

The kar98 was actually the 97th rifle to be designed by the Germans during World War 2. The kar74 was scrapped after initial tests showed it to lubricate geese upon firing.

Duck and cover

Ducks cannot whistle, and instead have to rely on a short cough to attract attention.

Shark the Herald Angels Swim

Its a common misconception but Sharks can't actually swim, they do in fact move around the vastness of the oceans attached to a complex system of pulleys, ropes and hoists operated by big lobsters and the occasional crab on work experience.

Body facts

The Spleen is named after it's inventor - Sir Alfred Spleeon. The o was dropped from the name for legal reasons in 1943.

Runner Bean seen running

The fastest runner bean was clocked as moving at 17mph. That's almost twice as fast as the fastest recorded carrot.

You Can't Handle the Tooth

At a cellular level, teeth are atomically identical to windmills.

Call my Fluff

There is enough miscellaneous fluff in finland to fill a pocket the size of God's scrotum.

To the batmobile

Batman's primary mode of transport, the Batmobile, is powered by the souls of liquidised foetuses. This source of energy can fuel a vehicle at around 4 miles per gallon.

Makin' Bacon

Napoleon invented the Bacon Sandwich in 1816 to fuel his soldiers. It is rumoured that Hitler had investigated similar tactics but could find no way to control the nazi war machine once they had dined on pork.

Let there be light

Lightbulbs have been proven to cease to exist when no one is in a room. This is known as the reductive-panini theory.

Chimpanzee that.

The longest serving astronaut in the japanese army is a chimp named bonanza-shitflask. He holds the record of surviving in zero-g for almost 34 minutes. This time was spent reorientating the shuttle capsule so that Bruce Willis could save the Earth.

Having a giraffe

It has been said that a giraffe can kill a man with nothing but his cold-hearted stare.

Clawing at peas

A Velociraptor is capable of opening a can of peas with little-to-no assistance.

Hyperdimensional

Cats are known to exist outside of normal time and space for approximately 24 minutes and 14 seconds of the day. This happens each day, every day regardless if leap-year or leap-second.

The G - Team

In the Pilot episode Gary Glitter played a 5th member of the A-Team named Mince, sadly the character never appeared in the show again.

Handy Fact

You can tell if someone is left or right handed very easily by asking them whether they are left or right handed or even on some occasions by observing which hand they hold a pen/pencil in when writing or drawing.